Recently I read an article of a conversation with an elderly grave digger who reflected on what digging graves meant to him.
For him, digging a grave was a final act of respect for the person who had died. His respect for the deceased person changed me in some way; it had never occurred to me to think of death and burial in the way he presented it. I will remember him when I officiate at funerals in the future.
We can learn from the grave digger's respect for others and if we become like him, we will negotiate small transformation in our relationships with people whom offend us or appear to be ungrateful. The best insight and challenge of this aspect of human nature comes from Frederic Ozanam, the founder of the St Vincent de Paul Society, when he said, "It is only if we love the poor that they will forgive us for our gifts." I did learn this truth in Jamaica when I worked there as a Columban missionary.
This is how it happened. I had never met really poor people before I went to Jamaica. I realised quickly that parishioners did not appear grateful for what we were able to do for them in the parish. I never heard the word 'thank you' and I was surprised and angry by this ingratitude. We were only trying to help them. I spoke to the parishioners about it looking for answers since it was a constant in the culture.
Some of the parish leaders, parishioners, wiser than myself, who understood from their own experience how easily people fall in and out of poverty and how people support each other in poverty, explained the dynamic to me:
- Receiving assistance can humiliate people because it reinforces their own knowledge that they are poor or that they are at the bottom of society’s ladder, where respect is generally given to people who are doing well.
- Poor people don’t receive much respect; they notice the disdainful look.
- There are expectations to say ‘thank you’.
What was happening? I became aware of my mixed motives; I wanted to help people but I wanted them to thank me! They never did but I was learning to give freely and learning to understand people who received little respect. They had the power not to say, 'thank you', perhaps the only power they had.
Thinking about the grave digger's article, brought back many memories of feeling empty after 'doing good.' I had to learn to let go of my ego; I learned to ask permission to be of help. I started to learn what true respect was; helping people was more complex than I ever imagined. I think the grave digger had true respect in his being.
My conclusion is that respect is to ask a person permission to give them assistance; they in turn recognise the goodness or transparency of our intention and accept it.
I believe that if Jesus and the grave digger met, they would have looked each other in the eye and known each other.
Fr Gary Walker
director@columban.org.au
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LISTEN TO: From the Director - The wisdom of the grave digger (Duration: 4.24mins, MP3, 2.01MB) |
(Sourced from The Far East, June 2013 edition)