Grief is a strange emotion. It takes you over and makes you its creature - as if you were a puppet with grief pulling the strings. That, at least, is my experience. It was the death of my sister that provoked this line of thought. I anticipated the sorrow but the reality of death and its dark mystery made me realise that I wasn't in control; I like being in control.
Grief made me its captive; I was hi-jacked and had to pay the ransom demanded before I could gain my freedom. I learned that there are degrees of grief, but you cannot weaken its vice grip by paying in instalments. Grief gives no credit, you pay immediately and in hard cash - the currency is heartbreak and the tears come with the small change.
It can be provoked by picking up the phone to tell someone of a death. You dial the number in a state of calm and as soon as the voice answers, your voice disappears into the abyss and only helpless sighs in broken gasps emerge. Grief has the upper hand. You apologise for losing control.
You ring the house number you always rang and the voice of the deceased gives you a sharp stab as it tells you what it always told you, We are not at home, please leave a message.
My mobile phone indicates that a text message has been received, I press the button only to see a message stored - all well, hope you are okay. A message from the deceased that for some reason wasn't delivered a month ago. Now it sends me into a convulsion of uncontrolled emotion.
Grief can be shared while washing the dishes. A sorrow shared, a shared remembrance, a shared tear can create a bond that will pour balm on a troubled heart. The sorrow shared at the deathbed where nobody needs permission to express their pain openly can, in retrospect, be a catharsis that gives birth to a healing process.
The funeral rites allow for grief to be shared - hundreds of handshakes expressing genuine sorrow - no empty gesture when expressed with eyes coloured by sorrow. A shared liturgy allows us to express our sorrow and joy that someone's pain has ended.
Grief unexpressed gives rise to depression and misery; grief expressed and shared creates a soil bed, nurtured by tears, to allow the heart to recover and face the consequences of death. John 11:33-36: When Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died...When Jesus saw Mary weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled... Jesus wept. So the Jews said, 'See how He loved him' (See how He loved Lazarus).
Columban Fr Teddy Collins first worked as a missionary priest in Chile and later spent many years in China as an English teacher. He is now retired to Ireland.
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